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Plunging Into Peace
Last night I had dinner all ready to go when my oldest, Izzy, came running in to the kitchen to tell me that the toilet was overflowing. Just a little. Umhum… just a little. It’s overflowing because...
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Pet are Not Philanthropists
As I was driving to Target the other day, I stopped behind a van with a bumper sticker that said the following: My Dog Gave Blood at ACCES. Just hear me out, people. I am a pet owner. I have always...
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The Etiquette of Barking Spiders
I got a talking-to the other day. My son, Connor, was picking up the splayed cards from his memory game the other night when we heard a noise come from the kitchen, where my husband was making dinner....
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A Mother-in-Law’s Assumptions of Equality
My mother-in-law is a master at rubbing me the wrong way. She makes seemingly innocent comments like, “Maybe you can take a nap,” when she knows I have to work, or last week’s gem, “With a higher...
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I Am A Geek Dad
I guess I was cool before it was cool to be…cool. I thought I lost my coolness nine years ago when #1 slid down the sperm slide. I traded my Metallica CDs for VeggieTales and my house parties changed...
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To the Man Who Saw Me Naked
Hi, Manuel, Let’s not make this any more awkward than it already is. You just saw me naked. You just came over to trim the trees with your crew. I wasn’t really aware of the extent of the trimming...
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Blind Date with Poor Melvin
This online dating thing is boring. Someone man-up and meet me in the flesh! I was over this netiquette, so I made a date with the first gentleman caller that inquired. I agreed to a date with a man...
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I Want the Truth
If you could impress one lesson upon your children, what would it be? A tough question, I know. As parents we teach our children just about every little thing; from using the toilet to expressing...
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On Shortness
Guess which one’s me. I’ll give you a hint.The children’s helmets were a different color. Today at the gym I took a nice sized chunk of skin out of my shin trying to do box jumps because I forgot that...
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Curing Sweaty Body Crevices
I’m sure you have heard of swass, or swack, as some people prefer to call it. Swass is shortened for “sweaty ass” and swack is shortened for “sweaty crack.” Here in my neck of the woods, my friends...
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Bedtime Bingo: An Ode to Fellow Parents of Toddlers
In every home where a toddler resides, Comes a time of day that churns parents’ insides. We bathe them and jammy them after we sup, But as this time draws near, we brace and buck up. I hope you have...
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An Open Letter to Chocolate
Dear Chocolate, Are you sitting down? I think you need to sit down for this. Let me just cut to the chase and say it: we need to take a break. And by break I mean I’m packing your bags and shipping...
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Halos, Horns, and Homeschoolers
When my new neighbor found out I homeschool my seven kids, she tapped the top of my head and said, “I think I see a halo.” For the record, NEVER do that. I wanted to slug her, but like the good girl I...
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The Accidental Seder (Phlegm Isn’t a Plague?)
A few years ago, I told my friend, Mitch that I’d never seen the movie, The Ten Commandments. Correctly deducing that this meant I was a horrible Jew and had not actively been passing on critical...
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What Happens After the Happily Ever After
The movie is over, the couple walks away in the sunset hand in hand. You put down the crumpled up wet tissues that you were using to wipe away the happy tears. You walk away feeling good, love is...
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You Might Be An ADD Mom
As usual, I was standing in the shower when I had an idea. An awful idea. A wonderful, awful idea. No, no I’m not going to steal Christmas, that’s been done. I was thinking of how you know when you’re...
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Dear Victoria’s Secret: You Must Be Drunk…
As I have gotten older and wider, I have amassed a longer list of stores I frequent less often. Stores that cater to the ultra-thin demographic. Stores that only have extremely tight-fitting clothes....
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What’s My Super Power? Sticking My Butt Out, Apparently
One of my favorite questions to ask when I am getting to know someone is, “If you were a superhero and could choose your super power, what would your super power be?” It is a great question and I have...
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Moving In
The great thing about buying a house is finally living in it. The actual act of moving isn’t so great. There are too many boxes and too much heavy lifting. You have to organize, pack, and clean. Then...
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7 Bad Date Stories
We’ve all had one, right? A bad date. Some of us you might have had more than one…say 3 or more. The cop who asked me to let him try out his handcuffs on me on our first date? Yeah, that was sort of...
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